A long time coming

I should have written this post a few months ago, but I didn’t. I couldn’t.

I’m writing this now as an explanation of my experience over the last 6 months and as an apology for not explaining this earlier.

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Back in March we found out I was pregnant with baby #3. We were overjoyed with the news and immediately celebrated by announcing it on Facebook… just like we had with Miss A and Bubba.

Four days later I woke from a nap with a sickening feeling that something wasn’t right. Much to our horror I miscarried. I was devastated and shocked. My friends and family rallied with us and prayed for us.

I shoved all of my emotions down and pressed on with life. I was surprisingly calm about our loss, for in my eyes it was a fluke and God is ultimately in control. I didn’t have a long family history of miscarriages and I was only 23. It was a terrible loss but I moved on and didn’t truly deal with it.

Fast forward to the beginning of May, I was pregnant again. This time we were cautious, we held back on announcing until I passed the 6 week mark (when I miscarried the first time). Excited that I may not have a repeat I scheduled dr visits. May 23 I had my first appointment to confirm my due date and make sure everything was ok. The ultrasound revealed 2 sacks! Twins! To say I was shocked and overwhelmed would be an understatement. I had never been as sick as I the 3 weeks prior and my husband had been teasing me about it.

My doctor brought me back in the next week to confirm a twin pregnancy. What looked like twins the week before was instead a blood clot. The doctor was grim. My husband noticed that the doctors were solemn and sensed that there was more they weren’t telling us. I was oblivious, but content that everything seemed to be fine, though disappointed that I wasn’t carrying twins. I felt I had lost another child. I was told to take it easy and not stress my body too much.

So what do I do? Hop on a plane 3 hours later with my 2 small kids by myself and fly to Virginia to see my family. They helped me stay relaxed and we had a great time chilling and visiting friends. Everything seemed to be fine.

A few days after I arrived I felt strange… like I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I’m not sure if that makes sense but it’s what I felt. My hubby arrived a week later and we continued enjoying our time. Sadly, June 16th my worst pregnancy fear was confirmed. I had miscarried, yet again. It was a terrible and scary experience full of hospital stays and an ambulance ride (I almost fainted in Target due to severe stomach pain).

I lost a lot of blood and the whole experience left me exhausted, both physically, spiritually and mentally. It took me a generous 6 weeks to recover from the blood loss. Emotionally I’m doing much better, though I have my bad days. My fourth pregnancy was my “hope” pregnancy, healing from the loss of my third. To have that taken away was very difficult to get over.

I have had such a tremendous amount of love poured out on me and my entire family. I have appreciated the prayers and kind words.

If you are just finding out about this I apologize for not telling you in person. I battled with the decision to post this news on Facebook. In retrospect I should have said something, but I couldn’t. It’s made for some awkward situations that could have been avoided. I’m sorry.

In all honesty, I have grown so much from both of these experiences, and though I’m not grateful for the experience I’m grateful for the growth. It’s brought our family closer and strengthened our marriage. We look forward to expanding our family eventually, but for now we’re enjoying our foursome, knowing how blessed we are with the two wonderful children we have here and the two angels we look forward to meeting one day!

Thank you again for your support and prayers!

A friend gave me a Willow Tree Angel for my first baby… now I have two Angels on my mantel. They make me smile and give me hope.

I’m sorry this post was so long!

Courtesy of WillowTree.com

Courtesy of WillowTree.com